Grateful

 What is it about the holidays that makes the heart long to be with those we love and when we cannot, the holidays seem somewhat empty and there is a sadness we cannot deny? This year has been a hard one with the passing of a most beloved friend, a death of a family dog, an injury of my favorite Nana, and the cancer diagnosis of my favorite Gramps.  But despite the heartache I have experienced in 2010, I have so much to be thankful for.  Upon thinking of the things I have learned to appreciate, the blessings gained, and the lessons learned, I have realized that all the things I am grateful for this year all lead back to our best friend Clint. Even though he was not my son, I wasn't married to him and unlike my husband Todd, I did not know him for 30+ years, during the 10 years I knew him in this life he became a most loyal and beloved friend to me and served somewhat as the older brother I never had.  With his death and the last few moments we had with him, he has really helped to put some things into perspective in my life and for that I am eternally grateful.

This past week, Gabbie and I had numerous errands to run. I don't know if it's because of the holidays and whatever it is about the holidays that makes us long to be with those we love, but Clint has been on my mind a lot.  Todd and I have had a couple of nights lying in bed where we both sat and hugged one another and cried because we miss him so much.  Clint is a part of my thoughts everyday and while Gabbie and I were out running errands, every time I would get into the car the Christmas song "I'll be home for Christmas" was playing.  I'd like to think that was a sweet message from our dear friend that he will be close to all of this holiday season and in fact, he will be home for Christmas. 

We also put up our Christmas tree this week. When we were all in Disneyland together, I bought our family an ornament to remind us of Clint and our time with him. Shortly after we returned home from Disneyland, I put the ornament on top of the inside of my christmas decoration box and forgot about it. This week when we opened those boxes, there sat "Clint's" ornament on top of everything. Needless to say, we both got emotional and that ornament was the first one to go on the tree, right smack dab in the middle, top and center. After we put Gabbie to sleep that night, Todd and I went downstairs, turned off all the lights except the Christmas tree and we cried.


I look back on what I've learned this year and not oddly enough, all roads lead back to Clint. This holiday season, I sing a grateful song in my heart to him for what he has taught me and what he has reminded me of. I am grateful to Clint for reminding me what it means to be a good friend. I was not blessed with good, loyal friends growing up and I was blown away to see the relationship that he and Todd always had. Furthermore, when I officially became part of the group, Clint has always shown that loyalty to me as well. I will forever teach my children about Clint and the need for good, loyal friends and how to be that kind of friend to others.

I am grateful to him for showing me how to face adversity with strength and to fight it head on. I think a lot of people give up in the face of adversity but Clint fought as hard as he could. If he could have stayed here, he would have. Clint's favorite poem is called "Invictus" by a man named William Ernest Henley.  Mr. Henley wrote this while in a hospital bed with tuberculosis of the bone. This poem had always helped Clint through tough times in his life and became somewhat of his "motto".  Upon Clint's passing, the ending two lines were put on his grave's head stone.  This was Clint's motto and now we've adopted it as our family motto:

Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I am grateful to Clint for teaching me this and I will forever remember that "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul".

I am grateful to Clint for reminding me about what's most important in this life. Clint always told me and Todd that "Life is about creating memories". It's not about driving a really expensive car or other stupid, pointless "things". Life is about spending time with those you love most and cherishing that time together. Family and friends say and do stupid things but it's not worth it to be angry or unforgiving. We only have a limited time with those we love and we should always cherish that time and love those around us. I'm in the process of officially opening up a side photography business and I've decided to call my business, "Moments Captured". While I have many great memories with Clint, my only regret is that we didn't get enough moments captured with him in photographs. I hope to create those memories with the families I work with because like Clint always used to say, "life is about creating memories".

I am also grateful to Clint for reminding me to be thankful for healthy body. For 15 years of my life I have been on a diet and to what avail?  I have this weird mindset that I am not skinny because I'm not a size zero and I'm constantly trying new things in hopes of getting thinner and thinner.  Seeing Clint suffer like he did and not even being able to walk up a flight of stairs alone without stopping and taking a break but also having to have someone like Todd help carry him because he was too weak to do it by himself, now when I am exercising and I think about Clint, I run a little faster and push a little harder because I have the body right now that will allow me to do that.  I am also grateful for a set of kidney's that operates the way they should and lungs that fill my body with fresh air.  Those things falied Clint and I push myself hard because Clint could not and I can.

 Now, I know some of my dear friends who read my blog are not Christian and also not religious and I do not wish to make any of you uncomfortable but I wish to express my gratitude for what I believe. Some people may find it ludicrous to believe in a Jesus Christ but I find great comfort in believing and hoping in an individual who invites all to come to him to be lifted from our pains and from the stupid mistakes we make in life.  I also find it very comforting to believe that we will be with our loved ones again and death does not seperate us forever.  I'm not sure what we do on the other side, but the thought of being with my family and friends forever brings me great happiness.  As far as Clint is concerned, I am grateful to him for reminding me of the gradeur of the atonement of Jesus Christ and of a Heavenly Father's plan. If I couldn't see Clint again, laugh with him and have him make fun of me like a big brother would again, that would kill me. I am so grateful for an unselfish Heavenly Father who loves us so much that he wants to share with us all he has. Furthermore, I am so grateful for a Savior who was willing to die to help us achieve the Father's plan. I am thankful because of Jesus Christ, we will all be reunited with Clint again. I know he lives, he is well and watches and stands as a protector to all of us. I cannot wait to see him again and to create many more memories as friends and as a "big brother" and little sister.

That is what I am thankful for this holiday season and I will always, always be grateful to an adopted big brother who has helped put the important things in life in perspective.